Time is Running Out

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in New York is to stop envying what I don’t have or haven’t yet become.

It may seem counter-intuitive since the city is practically built on materialism (think banking), but keeping up with the Jones’s in a place like New York will surely drive anyone insane, depressed, or at the very least, jaded of life.

New York has the best of every kind: the most beautiful girl will inevitably find someone twice as beautiful, not to mention 2 years younger, and the smartest guy will find someone making more money and getting more recognition.

Some say they come to New York wanting to be the best, but wanting to be the best is an impossible task in here. Instead, people come to New York end up finding who they are. It is here that I have found the purpose of my voice and the utility of my skills (and if I don’t quite have them, where should I go to get it?) 

I had a quarter life crisis characterized by a panicky feeling because some of my peers are doing so much more than me, because  other peers are either hoping into graduate school or hoping into marriage, because at such a young age, I have this unexplainable feeling like time is running out.  One day I woke up and realized I am no longer looking for the future, the future is here, and the dreams I once had and the realities I am facing now just don’t quite match up. 

And instead of chasing after the things I can’t have or haven’t yet become, I decide to change. Because change is what brings down stalemate, because failures happen to everyone and the most important thing is to get up. More importantly, change is watching other people’s mistakes and don’t make them myself. And change, of course, is sometimes just showing up. 

So when the perception of my life screams time is running out and other people are ahead of me, I’m thinking about the following: 

1. Give myself some more time; some people do it fast, but I do it better. 

2. Stop living lavishly and focus on the soul.  

3. Have a disciplined lifestyle with a routine.

4. Study, and read, a lot. 

5. Get new friends, reconnect with the lost ones.

6. Travel somewhere. 

7. Change my job, completely. 

8. Learn a new language.

9. Stay on high alert so that when chances arrive, I am 100% prepared.

10. Figure out, and go for it, one step at a time.

Successful old people should stop being selfish and retire

Old people with money and power should give others a chance at success: please, just retire!

In the past, transition of power in any industry has happened naturally: as one generation of youngsters enter the work force, another generation over 65 has gracefully exited into the sunset of Florida. 

The transition of power and opportunities has not only been important, but poignantly necessary for industries to shake things up, for equality to progress forward, for conventional methodologies to revolutionize, and perhaps most importantly, for young people to have opportunities to do something amazing. 

This natural transtion has all but died. People are not retiring at the age of 65, partially because they couldn’t afford to anymore. But even those who have obtained success and have savings stacked up despite this recession, they are not retiring either. 

65 is hardly old anymore. We have CEOs, editors, senators and professors who are 70 and 80 years old and still working. I have no problem with people keeping their lives busy because a retirement of not doing anything can be cruel. But please – quit those posts you have been occupying for decades and do something else, give that young person a chance to shine the way you had your chance back then.

We now have youngsters who can’t find jobs not only because this recession sucks, but also because old people are choosing not to retire. They are not retiring because this new generation of “old people” think they will never die due to modern advances in medicine. They are ambitious workaholics who are also too selfish and egocentric to step aside and believe that a younger person could do just a good of a job, if not a better one. They are the first generation who have received so much: peace, propsperity, and technology.

And now: they don’t want to give it all up after squandering away our environment and screwing up our market. So next time when you can’t find a job, don’t blame the minority for filling some quota (that is extremely rarely the reason why you don’t get hired), just go ahead and blame the people at the top.  

This is why I love Anna Quindlen.  She is retiring from Newsweek. I first fell in love with her column the Last Word when I was 15 years old. She showed me a world of ideas and perspectives I didn’t know existed. Her writings on immigration are some of the most eloquently observant and intimately relevant I have ever read. For 9 years she has been at the forefront of discussion on subjects from oppression to fairness. She is a role model, an inspiration for young people and a woman I still aspire to become. But the time is right for her to leave, and she too agrees, because there are too many amazing journalists out there with too many stories to tell, and after 9 years, she’s had her time. 

I urge others to follow her choice, because there are too many young people with too many dreams who are too hungry to take this world into a whole new era. And they cannot wait.

Everybody is popular somewhere

How do you tell your boss you hate your job and you are only doing this for the money, that is why you consistently avoid his phone calls?

Well, you don’t.

You tell him how much you love the job and the people.

When performance reviews arrive and your manager asks you if you are doing good, never tell him you are not. He is not interested in your well being, well, maybe he is. But even if he is, he can’t do anything about that because he is not THE boss, and the people who are actually bosses don’t want to hear that you are not doing okay. Unless you are the boss’s  favorite, but if you are , you wouldn’t be not doing great.

The point I’m trying to make is that everything is a popularity game. In order to stay on top, you have to feel chilled under crisis and remain bold and smart under fear. And guess what: this sense of ownership and confidence shouldn’t be forced out of a job, it should come out naturally if you are meant to take up that job. Perhaps you may not be so great at it in the beginning, but trust your intuition.

Everyone is meant to be great at something.  Find that thing and stick with it no matter how tough the times are.  You are meant to do a job and only there could your approval rating skyrocket.

Go find that thing. And if you don’t know, start trying.

Methodical Life-Changing Plan

I have been confused for a long time on what I should do with my life.  It’s an existential crisis.  The past 5 or so posts I have written have all been obsessively about what I should do with myself and who I should be.  I also write about how I am freaking out because I don’t have answers and can’t seem to find them.

This has been extremely uncomfortable and disorienting, and scary.

Here’s what I have come up with on dealing with such gridlock situations in life:

While I can’t figure out what I want to do, I make as much money as I can because:

1. It sucks when I don’t know what to do, but it’ll suck even more if I am also broke. Money does not make things easier (or me happier) – believe me I’m here and I know. But money allows me to take hip hop classes, learn the guitar, buy annual membership to artsy fairs, and plan a trip to South America. They open my eyes and while I would much rather that money be happily earned, at least it’s earned.

2. The money gets me a career coach and a therapist. It is ironic that I make money from a career I don’t like then use that money to talk about not liking my career. But irony is life. My confusion about who I am and what to do with myself comes from emotional/psychological blockage being raised by a hyperventilating mother and an overbearing father, though I am told this is actually kind of normal. The career coach provides me action plans to shake things up, and the therapist explains why I can’t get myself to shake things up. This is all useless, but kind of necessary. It’s part of the process. Part of me think it’s just me being White but I’d like to believe it as a truly modern endeavor.

3. I will pay off my student loans. It’s a legal barrier that needs to be taken care of. I really hate loans (and people with old money).

But soon (maybe by the end of this year, I don’t know) if I still can’t figure out what I want to do I am just going to quit. Quitting totally makes sense because:

1. If I get promoted later with that 50% raise, it’ll make quitting that much harder; then I’m going to be truly stuck in this ever-lasting corporate climb because I’m going to start lying to myself that this is all how it’s suppose to bee (I could afford a house now!), just like that guy from Revolutionary Road.  Promotion is really the only reason why people get stuck and die sad. Quitting now makes sense.

2. I am legally free (of student debts). Knowing the worst that could happen to me is keep hitting zero and not spiraling into the negative is incredibly comforting. It’s sort of like buying options versus just stocks – I don’t buy options.

3. I have had money and have known the feeling of knowing I could have more – and I choose to give it up. This makes the perspective of “what-ifs” simple.

4. I have received advice on finding who I am from every alternative source possible: the parents, friends, shrinks, career advisers, corporate mentors, cab drivers, Jewish people, Chinese people, Black people, and my dear Grandmother. After exhausting every route except my own, I feel less guilty about ruining my “career” and going out there starting at zero – exploring the route on my own because I have listened and they don’t work.

After I quit anything is game, this is the part I have not figured out yet, but isn’t that the point.

Get off of Facebook

Facebook has done more harm than good. I joined it back in 2004 when there was no wall, tagged photos or the myriad of applications on everything ridiculous.

Facebook has since gotten senselessly competitive and largely meaningless in achieving real communications.

According to Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook is “a social utility that helps people communicate more efficiently with their friends, families and coworkers.”

Let’s break this down.

(1) Friends: Of the handful of friends I don’t see but communicate on a periodic basis, we never depend on Facebook to catch up. I prefer a long chat over the phone or a trip to see each other any day.

The vast majority of my friends on facebook, however, are people I don’t care about. I don’t care the girl I went to camp with is now engaged. I don’t care my Asian American Association acquittance broke up with her boyfriend. I don’t want to know some guy I liked is still dating that girl. I don’t care the girl who used to live down the hall from me is in Europe with her sorority sisters. And then there are the handful of people whose pictures make me wonder, “do I know you?”

What does it mean to say we have 1000 or 2000 friends, when those connections does not get me anywhere – because being able to friend someone on facebook, being able to follow someone’s life consistently for years over sheer boredom do not equal to real connections that produce real benefits. It’s a big waste of my time.

(2) Family: God forbid my parents join facebook. God forbid that, along with any aunts, uncles, or grandmothers. I am friends with cousins on facebook, half by choice and half by sheer pressure. Facebook is and should never be a tool for family communication.

(3) Co-workers: if you really want to achieve effective, career-related communication, do not facebook message people, do not friend people just because you want your resume dropped (similarly, do not chat with them on aim). It is just unprofessional, it is invasion of someone’s personal space without their permission. Sure, you are asking to friend him, but he will feel like an asshole for not wanting to friend you and he will be angry at you for making him feel like an asshole.

If you are a coworker I want to be friends with, let’s hang out. If you are a coworker I just want to be coworkers with, it’s best you don’t see my profile on facebook – use LinkedIn instead.

The Bottom Line of what Facebook is Really About:

(1) It’s a Popularity Contest

Some days I feel better when I have 370 friends and 160 photo tags. Some days I feel better when someone writes a witty comment on my wall, especially about how awesome I am. Some days I read someone’s funny status update and feel the need to write something even funnier. Once out of desperation I wrote, “I love NYC, ready to party it up now!!!” How pathetic was that?

Facebook is a popularity contest about what hot parties you went to this weekend and what hot friends you have. It’s about how many people write on your walls and what sarcastically fascinating profiles you can create. But it’s a popularity contest where both the winner and the loser get screwed over. Too many photo tags will make you “seem” popular, but will also make others hate you, prejudging you into a snobby and character-less bitch or son of a bitch. Similarly, when you have less than 50 friends, an empty wall and no tagged photos, you are a loser by default. But really – how can Facebook just label someone a loser without knowing anything about this person? Too bad, it just did.

Isn’t it better to show who you really are in person and on a one-on-one basis instead?

Some people will argue right now that the precise point for facebook to exist is that one-on-one opportunities to showcase yourself is not always possible. This brings me to my last point:

(2) Facebook is used by people who are scared of real communications.

If a guy likes a girl, go ahead and get her number, don’t just facebook her. If calling is too much for him to handle, then he should text. Text, don’t write on her wall “last night’s party was awesome.” It gets him nowhere.

If you meet someone new, same or opposite sex, and find him or her a cool person, then see him or her next week, have coffee, go visit a gallery or hang out at another party. I have met too many new friends with whom I became friends with on facebook and thus, never felt the need to keep in touch outside of the Net.

Wouldn’t it be meaningful if you actually write to me and we actually meet up, either on a weekend or next time you are in town? Wouldn’t it be interesting if, instead of reading my profile, you ask questions yourself and I tailor my answers just for you? Wouldn’t you feel special knowing something about me that is not mass produced and readily available to the public?

I’m not trying to get dates or become best friends. People expect too much from face-to-face communications that they are afraid to commit, and so instead, they facebook and think everything is okay. Well, everything is only okay because there is nothing there.

I wish someone can do a study to show that Facebook event-invites precisely produce lower turnouts because it is too easy to mass-invite. So nobody feels special anymore, and nobody feels the need to turn up because nobody feels like they are genuinely invited.

Conclusion:

Real communications are risky – they involve embarrassing blunders (cute guy does not call me back and it’s been 2 weeks) and huge rewards (10 missed calls from the cute guy). Facebook is riskless – therefore also meaningless. What’s the point of not failing big and winning big, that’s life!

Failure to Run

I wrote before about how I suddenly realized one day that I am turning a quarter of a century old, so I decided to run the marathon because I felt I had accomplished nothing else in life.

So I proceeded to attempt to accomplish, instead, something I absolutely disliked but would otherwise be absolutely good to do: running the longest race ever. 

Fear now looked like great motivations, a radical move to strike a crisis-like panic of me dying alone, in misery.

For a month I ran 3-4 times a week, from barely making 1 mile to running 2.5 miles under 30 minutes. 

Then out of no where, I hit a brick wall and stopped getting better. I couldn’t go on around Christmas. I would start feeling exhausted around the 1.5 mile mark and literarily had to drag myself across the 2.5 mile finish line. And it seemed as though things are not getting any better the more I run.

Some days the 2.5 miles felt manageable, other days I couldn’t finish without feeling lightheaded, so I didn’t. 

And I stopped. It’s been 2 weeks, possibly 3, I haven’t run a single mile. 

Runner’s fatigue is kicking my ass. Brick walls are suppose to keep others out, but not me. I might be suffering from iron deficiency, hence some anemic episodes on the treadmill. 

Some days I wonder why I even try. But try again I will.

John Denver said it best, Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stones.

So tomorrow, let me start running again. 

On a related note, here’re a list of celebrities who have run the marathon and their finishing times. Jesus on a popsicle stick: George W. Bush ran under 4 hours. I guess that’s a motivation – I need to beat Bush. 

How to be HAPPY!

happiness, is drinking hot cocoa

Happiness can be created, I swear. Here’s why:

Smart people confess they are less happy than dumb people (based purely on social definitions of intelligence), and have you ever heard of the phrase “ignorance is bliss?”

Smart people are highly literate – literacy allows a person to examine his future and reexamine his past in ways a illiterate person cannot. Illiterate people stay in the present and only the present.

It’s important to think in past and future senses, because that allows us to find out why we are the way we are today, and how we can avoid the mistakes and change to have a better future given our past mistakes.

This all sounds perfectly reasonable, but there are a lot of us, myself included, that tend to stay in the past examination and future planning too long, and seldom ever actually experience the present. What’s the point of staying in the present if it neither helps us understand the future nor plans for the future? And really, what’s more important than the future where we all inevitably will find ourselves in? As a result, we dwell in past experiences and constantly remain in a mode that prepares us for a different tomorrow.

Daniel Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness basically concludes one thing: to be happy, do whatever makes you happy right now – whether it’s eating that cheesecake or going to bed. We often predict that doing certain unhappy actions in the present will make us happy later (don’t eat that cheesecake so we can look better tomorrow), but it is seldom the case once we did reach the future. Therefore, do what makes us happy now. We always think we can predict the future, but our predictions are awfully wrong, most of the time.

However, this conclusion doesn’t really mean we should buy that pair of expensive shoe or not doing laundry for 2 months when we feel lazy, because these things are mere habits of satisfaction that we can correct (you can’t correct yourself so that next time you eat a cheesecake, it no longer makes you happy, but you can correct yourself so that buying expensive things no longer fills that void in your heart).

But it is not just modern psychologists who let us understand that happiness is the same as being happy right now. Ancient philosophies, particularly Zen Buddhism, emphasize the power of being in the present moment to absorb all that is here right now. It is a mental discipline that masters over one’s mind done through practice. These continual efforts have been referred to as not only yoga, meditations, but certainly also prayers. The inner meaning of any practice is always the same: not to call upon a Divine being but to be present to one’s own life.

So be in the present: think about the pasta you are savoring slowly (and not the work mounting up later tonight), think about the fact that you are lying on a cozy sofa (and not the meeting you have tomorrow), think about your difficult meeting right now (and not the consequences of this difficult meeting), and even think about yourself right now (and not about the lack of anyone else).