Bad Dreams

I had a dream last night about a fight with my mother because she earned a law degree, a bunch of debts, but still couldn’t speak English. In the dream, I hurt her feelings and she pushed me to the edge of madness. I also dreamed about soliciting autographs from Olympic gold medalists, one of them a friend who actually got pissed when I wasn’t nice to her when asking for her autograph.

Dreams are reflections of reality, and as Freud says, “Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy.”

I woke up from this 12-hour nightmare gasping for air, only to remember that the night before, I was at a club being the wing-woman of another friend; I am always the wing-woman.

And today, I talked to a guy who tried to assess my intelligence the elite-way and concluded that I’m not good enough. So, I went to Barnes and Noble and read, like I did when I was 16, trying to escape an apartment of bickering and maniac fighting. And as always, books calm me like no man could.

But I will be fine, because my friends tell me I will be fine, and at least a number of them really mean it. And I will be fine because I believed in myself even when nobody did, and I’m going to continue doing that. And then, I cried.

The Problem of the Unemployed

I hate being unemployed, just as much as a I hated being employed. I hate being unemployed because I hate the lack of identity.

When I was working, I was a consultant, and every time you meet someone new, one of the first things they ask is what do you do. And I like having an answer, because then you can talk about what you do and whether or not you like it, and if not, what do you want to do instead.

Now, I tell people I’m unemployed. And they ask why. I hate that they ask, because I have to explain how I got laid off, and how I’m not really sad about it. But they still apologize, because they want to appear nice, and it annoys me. I wish the fact that I’m lost could still be hidden the way it did when I was employed, it makes casual conversations easier to deal with.

But life is not about just the easy, but how you walk through the tough and come out a stronger, better person. And that’s what I intend on doing.

I Got Laid Off!

Yesterday I went to an interview at a prestigious hedge fund in Connecticut after lying to my work that I went to visit my grandmother. I don’t think the interview went well, and it made me depressed because I hate my work now and the interview was one of the most uncomfortable and confusing I have ever encountered.

And I thought about not able to out what I should do with my life, and it made me cry.

And today, I got laid off. Effective immediately, no severance pay.

I am now part of the statistics, the 10%. I am filing for unemployment checks on Monday, so there you have it.

I feel disappointed – I should have let this job go instead of the job letting me go, like a crappy boyfriend one should’ve dumped before he made the first move.

I am scared – of announcing this to the groups of mediocre and judgmental friends who gossip. They are not my closest friends and I shouldn’t care, but I am annoyed by negative connotations.

I am concerned – that I no longer have a cash inflow and need to watch how I spend so as to make sure my little financial cushion will last me enough.

and I am relieved – strangely and not so strangely – I fee free and unburdened and accidentally catching myself in a smile.

The world is my opportunity, I am given a second chance to choose! This should be a celebration.